3 weeks, 4 days- a reflection of fall

I was looking for something in our computer this morning and happened upon this journal entry that I wrote in November. Now that Avery is here it has become even more real to me than when I first wrote it.

November 30, 2008
As the weather turns cold and leaves fall off the trees, I take in a deep breath and think about how much I love this time of year. Each year I wait in anticipation for the blustery fall weather to come blowing in after the long, hot summer. I can’t wait to see all the beautiful fall colors and to smell all the wonderful, spicy smells. Fall makes me feel cozy and comfortable. I am at home in fall.
This fall feels slightly different to me than others that have come before. This fall makes me reflect on where I was one year ago and that takes some of my comfort away. Last year on this exact day, I was pregnant and did not even know it. Alison had been so sick and we were so caught up in trying to make her feel better that I would not realize that I was carrying a new baby for another couple of weeks. The thoughts and emotions of that time are so real in my mind right now that I have to remind myself that it was a year ago and not yesterday. I often take myself back to the few days that we were in the hospital with Alison. I woke up very sick one morning. I laid there on the uncomfortable hospital couch watching Alison and Mike sleep in the bed together and I just couldn’t get my stomach to settle down. I finally got up and walked around the hospital trying to get some relief. I knew that watching my baby girl lay in a hospital bed with pneumonia was getting to me, so I just assumed that this was one more symptom of motherhood. My intuition was only partly right. It was being a mother that was making me feel nauseated, just not a worried mother to Alison as I had thought. After a few more days went by, I started to put two and two together. Once we were home from the hospital, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! After the long hard spring and summer of trying for another baby, our dream had finally come true. I got to spend the rest of the wonderful, beautiful fall carrying that baby. But once winter arrived, things took a turn for the worst. I found out that I had lost the baby and there was nothing that I could do but wait for it to all be over.
A few months and millions of tears later, we decided to try for another baby. We were blessed to find out that we were pregnant only 4 months later. I spent my entire summer on pins and needles praying that God take care of us and calm my fears. As time went by, I knew that this would be different. God had answered my prayers and was with me every step of the way. At a snail’s pace, summer turned to fall and I am now here with another baby; this time much stronger and healthier. She will continue to grow and greet us in winter, just in time to save me from the sadness that will come as I reflect yet again on the tragedy and on what it means for me to be a mother… to all three of my babies.