5 weeks, 3 days- Timing is everything

We have all heard that saying a million times in our lives, but until the past few weeks I was a little skeptical. I mean come on, EVERYTHING. I used to believe that maybe timing was sort of important. I could even go with pretty important, but EVERYTHING seems a little much. That is of course until I became a mother for the second time. Before you roll your eyes, let me present the evidence to support my case.

1. 40 weeks of pregnancy. I am absolutely in awe of the miracle of growing a baby inside of me. It is too much to take if you think about it too long, so I just stand in awe for bit and then move on before I get too dizzy from it all. But the real miracle to me is the timing of the matter. I know that creating a working, healthy human is a lot of work, and man did God ever know what he was doing when he set up the whole gestation in a human thing. I am sure it went something like this..."well it will take a while for the baby to mature and grow, but I think that if I let her/him say in too long then the mother may not make it without going crazy." Well God you are brilliant. (for many other reasons, but this is one of my favorites). Speaking from recent experience, 40 weeks of pregnancy is plenty! It is just long enough for the baby to grow and become ready to meet the world. It is also just long enough for the mother to stay sane enough to care for the little guy when he gets here. Another important thing to consider is the mother's physical state. I am not sure that a human body could be so distorted for any longer than that and still go back to "normal." I use that term very loosely. No pun intended.

2. Babies- ages and stages: Avery is now 5 weeks old and is starting to smile and coo. I am in love with her to say the least. I know that you are thinking, "yes but what does timing have to do with it....well give me a minute. It takes a mother a little while to stop talking about her baby and get to the point. (especially when they are so darn cute. ok back to what I was saying.) Babies are built to do cute stuff at just the right time for a reason. It has been over a month since we have been home together and things are not really a breeze yet. We are still not sleeping well and a shower is still a luxury. These kinds of things can really wear on a person especially when you are in such a haze that there is no end in sight. This is where the baby's timing comes in to play. After a rough night, you stumble to the changing table to change what seems like the stinkiest diaper in the whole universe (thanks to the really expensive stinky formula) and you look down at the baby's cute little round face and she is smiling up at you. That one smile is enough fuel to get you though anything. Unless you have been there you won't believe how magical that moment can really be. You will just have to trust me on that one.

The smile is not the only weapon that the baby has to win you over. The cooing and chattering comes at a welcome time as well. After two months of being at home mostly by yourself you start to get a little bored. And then all of a sudden, the baby starts to communicate with you in their own little adorable way and again you are reminded how wonderful this mommy gig can really be. There are other various stages that are more than welcomed by parents such as potty training (just when there is no way that you could change another dirty diaper) and walking (when your baby suddenly gets a little much to be lugging around all the time.) Each one of these feels like an answered prayer and they keep you going when you just aren't sure that you have it in you.

3. Do you want a sister or a puppy? How about both?-Alison has been such a trooper during this whole transition period. She is absolutely the best daughter that anyone could ask for. Mike and I even feel guilty sometimes that she is taking it so well. She never gets upset and just goes with the flow. It is a little like when you were younger and a friend was ticked at you, yet they just went on without telling you what is really going on. I do know that she has been lonely because she told me that she was really happy when I had an extra 20 minutes to play dolll house with her because she just doesn't want to do things all by herself anymore. (I am still recovering from this one....) The point here is...for her this timing thing is true because we finally gave in and got her a dog. "We" is a term that really means that I had to be gone overnight last week and I returned to find Alison in the yard playing with a puppy. I really wasn't that mad even though I have spent the past few months in complete resistance to this puppy movement that Alison and Mike have started. I know that it was the timing of the matter that made me give in. So just ask Alison if timing is everything... I am sure she will agree.

This timing thing really is everything to me right now. It is not just the timing of things going on around me; It is bigger than that. Even if if doesn't always seem like it now, this is the most important time of my life and I need to be aware of the significance of that . I keep trying desperately to burn it all deep into my memory just in case this is the last time that I find myself here. I hope it is working.

3 weeks, 4 days- a reflection of fall

I was looking for something in our computer this morning and happened upon this journal entry that I wrote in November. Now that Avery is here it has become even more real to me than when I first wrote it.

November 30, 2008
As the weather turns cold and leaves fall off the trees, I take in a deep breath and think about how much I love this time of year. Each year I wait in anticipation for the blustery fall weather to come blowing in after the long, hot summer. I can’t wait to see all the beautiful fall colors and to smell all the wonderful, spicy smells. Fall makes me feel cozy and comfortable. I am at home in fall.
This fall feels slightly different to me than others that have come before. This fall makes me reflect on where I was one year ago and that takes some of my comfort away. Last year on this exact day, I was pregnant and did not even know it. Alison had been so sick and we were so caught up in trying to make her feel better that I would not realize that I was carrying a new baby for another couple of weeks. The thoughts and emotions of that time are so real in my mind right now that I have to remind myself that it was a year ago and not yesterday. I often take myself back to the few days that we were in the hospital with Alison. I woke up very sick one morning. I laid there on the uncomfortable hospital couch watching Alison and Mike sleep in the bed together and I just couldn’t get my stomach to settle down. I finally got up and walked around the hospital trying to get some relief. I knew that watching my baby girl lay in a hospital bed with pneumonia was getting to me, so I just assumed that this was one more symptom of motherhood. My intuition was only partly right. It was being a mother that was making me feel nauseated, just not a worried mother to Alison as I had thought. After a few more days went by, I started to put two and two together. Once we were home from the hospital, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! After the long hard spring and summer of trying for another baby, our dream had finally come true. I got to spend the rest of the wonderful, beautiful fall carrying that baby. But once winter arrived, things took a turn for the worst. I found out that I had lost the baby and there was nothing that I could do but wait for it to all be over.
A few months and millions of tears later, we decided to try for another baby. We were blessed to find out that we were pregnant only 4 months later. I spent my entire summer on pins and needles praying that God take care of us and calm my fears. As time went by, I knew that this would be different. God had answered my prayers and was with me every step of the way. At a snail’s pace, summer turned to fall and I am now here with another baby; this time much stronger and healthier. She will continue to grow and greet us in winter, just in time to save me from the sadness that will come as I reflect yet again on the tragedy and on what it means for me to be a mother… to all three of my babies.